Thurisaz, the Thorn of Thor,
is Force that frees, or fights a foe!

So says Paxson.

Anyway, recording stuff discussed with Vi:

( under cut )

*rubs head* Alright, so I really need to get back into this.

I've been reading Marian Green's "A Witch Alone" during my lunch hours, partly as a way to get back on track when it comes to forming my own witchcraft. For some reason I quite enjoy it. It doesn't, as a whole, offend me.

And this is a surprise. Because it's full of shit. She's a strong soft polytheist, she falls into the Murray trap, she perpetuates the "Olde Religione" crap, she contradicts herself, she apparently makes up history because there's no hint of a citation and her claims border, at times, on the bizarre, she maintains that you will feel exactly the same way she does at a particular time of year or during a particular experience.... it's insane. It's so full of bullshit I have no idea why people recommend her.

And yet, she's not a loathesome author. It's bizarre. It must have something to do with her writing style. It's not like she gives the reader anything altogether new or different, but there are some tidbits in there.

So I've been reading it, making notes on parts that annoy me or things I find interesting (they do exist, yes). And now I'm up to about chapter four I've reached the point where I can start actually doing the exercises. (There aren't any old Pagan sites where I live, Marian. Did you think we were all European or something?) I think I'm actually going to do these, or at least the ones I consider relevant that are actually possible.

So here I am looking at the exercises for the chapter on magic circles, or whatever. She wants us to brutally hack a limb off a tree, which I flatly refuse to do, nor do I actually have room to stick a big-ass stick. My room does not even have enough space on the floor for me to lie down. That is the absolute truth, no exaggeration. I have no space. She also wants us to make ritual robes, which is a bit odd considering how often she wanks on about the witches of olde. News flash, lady: they wouldn't have made themselves robes. Or held ritual, come to that. What with most of them being Catholic, and all.

The other task is to, as often as possible, create a ritual circle. Problem is, miss Green provides next to no instruction on how this is to be performed. She suggests walking in a circle and rhyming. I shit you not, that is literally all she seems to think is possible to create a ritual space. No energising. No energy work at all, actually. You just need to stand there and go "north and earth, yay" and so forth. In a circle. But you might have to go widdershins to make it rhyme properly. At this, apparently, should set a vortex of magic spiralling up around you.

NEWS FLASH, LADY. It doesn't. You either haven't been in a properly constructed circle so you don't know what that feels like, or you're intentionally leaving out half the instruction which seems bizarre.

So here I am, looking at her instructions, utterly at a loss as to how, exactly, she expects the reader to create a sacred space. She says there are plenty of ways to do this, but includes only the most insipid, lackluster method.

I have, as I said earlier, no space in my room. As a result I will have to do all this work during my lunch hour at work. In the part, in public. So I need methods that don't involve much in the way of walking around like an idiot talking to the trees. It would be nice if miss Green had included more ideas as to how to accomplish these tasks she sets. It fucking pisses me off.

In a recent psychological study found that people tended to project their own moral and political opinions onto the divine. The study focused mostly on American Christians however and one wonders what the results may be in Pagan circles.

So for today's prompt: Do you agree with your Primary Patron/Matron (or a generalized image of the divine) on all ethical or political issues? What differences, if any, do you see yourself having in opinion with your deity? (if you need some specific issues to focus on the study in question asked about opinions on abortion, same-sex marriage, affirmative action, the death penalty, the Iraq War, and the legalisation of marijuana).

I do disagree with my gods from time to time. At this point I'm adamant on doing what I feel is right if my own opinions differ greatly from those of my gods, but I do take note of what their opinions are or would be, and take that into account when making decisions.

My gods approve of war; I do not. This is a major difference. BUT, war back in The Day was rather different. I think war back Then had some degree of honour, but war now - with bombs and snipers, killing people whose face you will never see - has no honour at all. Whether they share my feeling I do not know. Nevertheless those are my feelings. My gods disapprove of homosexual sex when considering men, if one is taking rather than giving. It's a female role and considered not honourable for a man to take that position, because you're giving another man a sort of power over you he shouldn't have. If you're giving it, of course, they're in favour of the idea. So I disagree with them there as well, in the sense that I... see their point, but don't feel a man taking it up the arse is less of a man. It is, as they say, a different time. Odinn accepted sacrifice of slaves or captured enemies, and I'm.... okay, I can't actually say that I'd deny Odinn sacrifice if I lived back then. This is Odinn, and they'd be killed anyway, so give them to the Father of the Slain. But overall I'm not a fan of sacrifice and I hate the death penalty. I'm unsure of the Norse stance on the death penalty, but I think you killed the other guy in a battle of honour rather than having him executed, which I can approve of. Revenge I can understand.

Do I disagree with my patron sometimes? My patron is Loki. Occasionally, he does things that I not only disagree with, but that I think are rather dreadful. Now, I trust him, as much as one who isn't Sigyn can trust him. I do believe that he has a good reason for doing everything he does, whether or not I know it, understand it or agree with it. He sees things with a perspicacity that astounds me. What appears to be whim may in fact be much more... or it may be whim. I try not to apologize for what he does... all I can ever really say is "he has his reasons". And I hope he does. Perhaps sometimes those reasons are "it seemed like a good idea at the time" or "hey, I wonder what this button does?". But in its way those can be wonderful reasons sometimes. In their way...

Just a short simple ritual tonight. I started by lighting incense and saying "I light this incense in the honour of the God and the Goddess" which is something I don't usually do. I did the same for the candle and sat. There was a lot of sexual imagery tonight when I called Them. She was twisting and arching, He was heaving in passion.

It was small, but it's very late. Had it been earlier it might have been better. I'm still very itchy which was a hell of a distraction, too.

I haven't been feeling it at all this week. Last night I was torn between a lack of feeling for the ritual and a sensation of obligation to perform it anyway. Do I do it, knowing I'm not feeling it, risking going through the motions? or do I not do it, and feel a sense of not having lived up to an action I feel I'm supposed to perform at this time of year?

I think it's all as a result of doing too many things at once. I always feel rushed and distracted. So more meditation, more concentration, and my religion will take a more prominent seat in my life. Well, no, that's not really what I mean... I mean I'm going to spend time focusing on my religion each day before I pick up a computer game. Although this month obviously Novel Comes First.

So today out I went to the metaphysical bookstore to try to restart my desire to be with the gods. Worked too, a little. But tonight I really wasn't looking forward to setting things up for a full blot. Rather than put it off another night I ended up doing a compromise rite: I lit candle and incense and invited Freyr and Freyja in, and then honoured them. I told them that tomorrow I'd get them an offering - maybe fruit, or fruit juice? Not sure yet. At any rate, I'm glad I did something, even if it wasn't a full rite.

Ah, Walpurgisnacht. I can still smell the incense in the air.

Like last year, I used the beginning of the Tomb Raider: Anniversary Egypt level as part mood lighting, part music. It's otherworldly and beautiful, and perfect for this holy day.

In some ways I feel I should have celebrated last night. In others, I'm tired enough now, I'm glad I didn't do it last night when I was almost comatose.

It wasn't as moving a ritual as I hoped, but it was still very nice to sit in the candlelight with a hammer in hand once again, which I haven't done in far too long. I offered mulled wine with too much honey - but it tasted amazing. I hope they liked it. They, of course, being Hel, Frigga, and Freyja. I didn't feel any of their presences as much as I feel I should have, or as much as I wanted to. Particularly Hel's. I feel like I rushed the ritual and rushed the prep, and that's why I wasn't feeling them as much as I should have been. I am frustrated with myself and with my tendency, of late, to delay or rush rituals. I have no idea why I've been doing it, either. I feel out of touch.

At any rate. I also offered Hel some dark chocolate that I found in the fridge, and I get the idea that she appreciated it. It's hard to tell with her, of course, but I felt as if her eyes widened and there was no negativity that I felt, so I took it as a good sign. 

I need to work with her more. I asked if I could, and now I worry I've gotten myself into something.

Tomorrow, Summernights. Or May Day. Or whatever.

This is a few days late, but...

Full Moon rituals in the shower are a good thing!

But I reallllly need to meditate more. My mind wanders almost constantly and it's hard to maintain focus in a ritual.

Because I am paranoid and need multiple copies of everything.



Odinn is the deep blue-grey of heavy clouds;
His sound is low and heavy like a winter wind that blows strong but constant and doesn't whistle;
He tastes of snow, sharp, cold;
He is the heavy skin of a bear, warm windbreak, heavy reassurance, and blood and hair, claws and teeth;
He smells of snow on the wind, a tang and a bite;
He is the crunch of feet on snow and the clang of metal on metal;
He is new blood shed, by warrior, by prey;
He is mountain peak and fireside, a warrior's camp and a woman's bed;
He is blizzard, and blade, and blood.

A quick note about my New Moon ritual.

It was very small, quite short, just a lit candle and brief centering before prayer and honouring of my Lady. I would have danced had my lungs not been all yuck and infected; as it was I danced with my spirit-self and it was awesome.

That is all. More or less.

Holy shit, I can't believe that it's been four weeks since I last updated this.

I've been on hiatus, more or less, from my dedicancy. Work sucks up 85% of my time, and I'm constantly exhausted. But I pray twice daily on my bus rides to and from work - but not to the Norse Gods, whom I have been neglecting in a really terrible way. I feel dreadful about it.

Still, I've been recording bits and pieces in a 1B5 I have in my bag, so I don't forget anything I experience during my daily prayers. I'm trying to meditate during my lunch hours, if I can find a place to do it and if I don't have something to do. There's a graveyard about 20 minutes walk from work, which would give me 20 minutes to sit and enjoy it. I haven't been there yet but it's in my mind to go there.

I've started reading "Northern Trad for the Solitary" again, which I like because it always gives me something to muse over.

One thing I've noticed in the last week is that I've been focusing really on a goddess-moon, god-sun system. Which won't come as a shock to many people. But is this system true of my religion? It's true of Wicca and of Wicca-flavoured paths, but why of my own? Why do I associate the moon only with Her and the sun only with Him? Am I relying too much on old Wiccan influences? My only real reason to do this is those outside influences - who may well be worshipping very different gods! I need to view Them in a different light. (I find myself doing this often nowadays, trying to work out exactly who They are.) I might start honouring Them in different ways; linking Her to sun and Him to moon every so often. It might help aid my udnerstanding.

I tried this the other day, and it was interesting but also really odd. I felt quite wrong about it that morning until I told myself that I'd still honour my Goddess on full and new moons, which made me feel instantly better about it. I'm going to do it for the rest of this month and see what I learn.

I don't get why people go on about "shadow-work". It's not just fluffs, either. There are legit, lineaged Wiccans who do the same thing. In fact they go on about how important it is.

And all the while I can't but think how incredibly foolish it is. The idea, supposedly, is to make you face those parts of yourself you don't want to face, and to understand them. But that's just mind-bendingly stupid. The very act of naming these parts "shadow" separates them out from the part that you secretly think of as "you". Instead of facing up to and accepting your flaws as a legitimate and inseperable part of yourself, you're creating a false dichotomy between the parts of yourself you're happy are there and the parts you aren't. It's completely counter-productive.

The irony would make me laugh if the whole idea didn't annoy me so very much. I mean, come on, people. Fucking think for once. The fear you feel? That's not a separate part of you that's labelled "fear". It's actually you that's afraid. You. That person sitting across from me. Yes, you. YOU are flawed. The flaws are not separate from that part of you who is sitting there hearing me talk, and thinking your thoughts. You are the one who is flawed. No, not some secret part of your subconscious locked away. YOU.

Acknowledge that, for fuck's sake. "Shadow-work" will build illusions in your head. The illusion that these parts of yourself aren't really parts of yourself. The illusion that you have separated them out and conquered them. The illusion that you can build walls to keep out things you don't like. Fucking grow a pair, alright? Embrace who you are. Coward.

That's right. See the irony there? Pretending the fear isn't really you that's afraid is itself a fear of being afraid. LOL.

Just one more reason not to pursue Wicca, I suppose.

Notes and musings from Vi and I on Uruz.... I have to put them down here so I don't forget them.

Aswynn says "the unconscious drive for manifestation" which I don't think I can properly process.
okay, these words she mentions are ones that are helpful to me: strength, persistence, durability, adaptability to environmental changes

paxson paints a picture of an auroch, which would have been bloody big, being brought down by hunters
so you have the great strong bull struggling to survive and asserting its life, sort of, and on the other side you have people struggling to assert their own strength in order to obtain the strength provided by auroch-meat
strength, persistence and durability on each side of the equation

pollingon says "against which Germanic youths used to test their courage and skill at arms; it may have transfered meaning 'manhood, vigour' on this account"

Vi: I know that Paxson also tries to (and IMO does a decent job of it) reconcile the different rune poems for Uruz
"In the Nordic creation myth, we see the slag and drizzle (from fire and ice) from teh Scandanavian poems transformed into the archetypal cow (audhumbla) of the A-S poem"

pollington says that there weren't any aurochs actually around during the times the poems were written, so the norse lot substituted a homonym that meant drizzle
while the others retained it through respect for tradition or something

Uruz is the energy; force. Not form. so if one wanted to say, get a boost to help get over a cold, they might use Uruz to help up their immune system in fighting it?
I'm not sure. I think more along the lines of strength, physical strength.

apparently, in magic work, you can use it with other runes to help manifest the energy more in the physical plane



The Rune School keywords are:
bravery, questing, initiation, challenge, untamable spirit, rugged good health, masculinity, stamina, independence, strength, action, male violence, callousness, inaction, abuse, poor health, anger/rage


My continued thoughts:

A Male Mysteries rune? Rites of passage and initiation into manhood and strength, primal strengh, majesty, muscle, blood, bringing down the auroch.

I still have trouble with this rune and properly understanding it on a more conscious sort of level. I'll need to think on it more.

What a night for a Yuletide blot!!

I've been, I admit, delaying. I should have celebrated Yule a week ago today, on the 21st, but I was so tired I delayed it to the next night... then decided doing a rite after work wasn't going to work, at least not one so important as this. Tired as hell, I was.

So I delayed until tonight, Sunday the 28th. And not long before I had decided to start my blot, what did I hear but thunder?

The storm must be very close, or very big. It's still going, and sometimes there is a small flash and a distant, low rumble. Other times the flash is larger and the BOOM sounds like violence, bombs and people hammering away at the ground underneath me. You can see why people link it to Thorr.

I started my preparations to the sound of Ensiferum's Ferram Aeternam, or words to that effect. A rather nice instrumental that puts one in mind of riding off on Adventure. It put me in the mood as I brushed my hair and poured the mead. It's my first blot with mead and I was rather looking forward to pouring some for Odinn. (I think he rather liked it, and it was especially nice to give him something made from local ingredients - Manuka honey, in this case.)

The song ended just as I was ready for my ritual. I did the last preparations - finding Odinn's candle, turning the light off, etc - and seated myself. I centred myself, then took my Hammer and asked Thor and Mjolnir's might to hale, hallow, and protect myself and my "hearth". I placed my Hammer behind the candle, and lit it, reciting some of Valfather's kennings and asking for his presence. I honoured him first, and with the most mead, but I honoured all the gods. This is a time for family and frith, good food and good tales, and I said as much, hailing my "family" of the gods.

Meanwhile the thunder storm continued. I was hailing Thorr when there was a flash of lightning lit the sky and thunder so loud that it shook the floor under me and shook my nerves as well. I amended my hailing to add a request for his protection during this cold time of year at that!

After hailing each of the gods, drinking some mead (at just the right heat, it was lovely) and pouring libations, I spoke slightly more informally with them, and thanked Thorr for his "gift" of the storm on this, the night I had planned my Yule ritual. Just I did so there was a small flash of lightning and a light rumble, which made me smile.

It was very pleasant to share mead with them. I only wish I had had more, and that I had lingered a little longer over the ritual. Truth me told, the thunder kept interrupting me mid-speech and I wasn't sure what to do with myself, quite. But it was very pleasant. In some ways, the connection I felt could have been stronger. I think I gave up the element of strong, one-on-one connection that is possible in ritual when I decided to honour many gods. In future, I may have one Midwinter blot to Odinn alone and another for the many deities of the North.

But Yuletide isn't over yet. I may share another glass of mead with Valfather before this season's done.

What is it they say? Heilsa?
S.

There are no rituals out there for New Moon esbats. They're all "New Moon Ritual for Moar Monies" and similar wank. Bah.

I have no idea what to do in moon rituals. Not a fucking clue. I feel I should do something, but what that thing is, I do not know.

Anyhow. Prayed. As ya do. Meditated a short time.

It occurs: when the moon is full, you see the world around you better.
But when the moon is dark, you see the sky and the stars better.
I'm sure there's some sort of metaphor in there somewhere.

The Fehu Rune-poems are linked mostly to wealth and what it means. In some ways this supports my current tentative associations, but in others, it seems rather.... out of place.

Norwegian poem:
Wealth causes trouble among relatives
The wolf is raised in the forest.

The Norse were big on their odd riddles. In this case, is the line about the wolf directly related to the first, or is it not? If it isn't, it could be an illustration of growth, of great power nurtured so that it can fulfill its potential. The wolf is raised in the forest. If it's directly related to the first line, I find it more confusing.

"Wealth causes trouble among relatives" is more straightforward. When someone dies, that wealth has to be divided up. There will always be envy and people demanding this and that; in this wise it seems better to spend it on things that are needed or useful than to keep it hiding away, where it is of no use, helps no one, and inspires greed.

Gundarsson links the second line to Sigurd the Volsung, and how he (who had shape-changed into a wolf) grew into his own out alone in the forest. Possibly potential, possibly growth and power once again.


Icelandic poem:
Wealth is trouble among relatives
and fire of the sea
and path of the serpent

The idea of wealth being trouble again. This poem uses "and" which confuses the issue more, but given the way it was written in the original language, we may be able to substitute "Fehu". "Fehu is fire of the sea" and "Fehu is path of the serpent".

I find myself at a loss with these last two lines. It's a giant gap in my knowledge, demonstrating I don't know enough about the Norse or Icelandic culture to know what "path of the serpent" would mean to them, to say nothing of "fire of the sea". Vi tells me "fire" can be a kenning for gold, so "fire of the sea" could be an extended kenning for it, I suppose - or wealth out of reach, locked away, or lost. If it still refers to wealth or gold, "path of the serpent" could refer to dragons and their tendency to hoard. Once you have a hoard, you, like a dragon, tend to guard it fiercely. And on its own it is of no use - like gold at the bottom of the sea. You have to actually use it.


Anglo-Saxon poem:
Wealth be by all very much welcomed;
Each man shall deal it out freely,
If he will from the Lord get approval.

This poem indicates that wealth is a good thing, and welcomed - welcomed by all, specifically. Whether this indicates that everyone would like to be rich, or whether the whole community welcomes the wealth brought to one person... I might suspect the latter in fact. Sharing it around is a good thing, prevents greed, and sharing the wealth makes one's own life more rich, as traders and sellers will be able to find or make better items for you to purchase, or to sell to others - spending enriches the entire community.

The Lord in this example could possibly mean Freyr, as his name means "Lord", but that's not what it says in the rune-poem itself (in Old English I mean) so it's unclear. If it does mean Freyr it makes a bit more sense to me, as with Freyr's blessing you could have good harvest, wealth, and without it, your harvest could be rather miserable.



The rune-poems seem mostly to focus on wealth, and the movement of wealth, and the importance thereof. I think the stress of the importance of that movement does help me understand the rune a bit more - it's not just potential. It's not just growth. It's the application of potential that's the important aspect here. Freyr does not sit back and do nothing; he is a vital god, a god not just of growth but of growing, not just of fertility but of making the most of that fertility.

Winternights is the last Heathen holiday on my calendar I hadn't celebrated, and the one I was most unsure about. The ancient Heathens didn't really seem to have a set holiday around Samhain-time, and those that celebrate Winternights seem more inclined to do so when the weather turns chilly.

I was lucky today, in that, on the day after traditional Samhain, when I was originally planning to have my Winternights, the weather turned very cold. It was surprisingly chilly today, with cold wind biting at my cheeks and fingertips for the first time since last winter.

I felt unmotivated this evening, for reasons unknown, but pulled myself together and held ritual anyway. I'm glad I did for I really enjoyed it, simple though it was.

I made up some mulled wine with honey, in a normal drinking glass as I couldn't find a wine glass, and brought with me another larger glass into which to pour libations. I took a low box and covered it with a towel, as it's hard not to spill wine when pouring it from one glass to another. Onto the towel too went three candles, one for each god I honoured tonight. I lit the candles, calling each god in turn.

The first was Hel. I know the Ravenbok lot honour Freyja and the Disir on this day, but I get the impression that most Heathens and Kindreds honour who they feel they should honour, and this time of year will always be wed to goddesses like Hel. I like Hel, though I find her difficult to get to know, because she is so different and peculiar in her own way. But it was nice to honour her and I feel like it went quite well.

The second was Odinn, his candle to the right of Hel's. The third was Thorr, his to the left.

With all three candles lit, I lifted my glass and bade it be blessed in the names of the gods, and took a sip. Warm and sweet, fragrant, and good.

I drank first to Hel. Tonight, the threshold of winter, is important as the beginning of a season in which things die, or have the appearance of death. I associate it with her on that level, and this time in particular I associate with the dead. When I lifted my glass to Hel, I spoke of these things, as well as her beauty that so charms me and that I should like to know her better. I felt interest from her, in an odd sort of way, and felt the offering was accepted.

I drank second to Odinn. The winter is, truly, his time. He rides in the Wild Hunt, he wanders through the ice, his wolves sound on the cold winter air. He is Hoar-Beard, likened to the hoar-frost. When the world is quiet and asleep, that is the time for contemplation, for meditation. Odinn, blood on snow. The scent of winter on the air makes me think of him; for me, he will ever be associated with winter. Despite my lack of motivation in my active studies, Odinn did not appear to hold me any ill-will and I felt he accepted the offering.

I drank third to Thorr. When the fiercest weather rages outside, Thorr shall guard our hearths. When the most fearsome winter spirits lash at us - wind, rain, snow, sleet - it is Thorr who holds them at bay. Strange, though - I did not ask Thorr to guard our hearth, so much as thank him for doing so generally. He seemed to be happy to accept the offering I gave him.

At the end of the ritual I held up my glass, containing the last mouthful, and said that tonight I had celebrated Winternights, and that now it was winter - in more poetic language, of course. But by the time I had finished saying it, it really did Officially down to the bones. feel officially like winter. And I don't even celebrate Samhain until the 5th...

Wrapping up the ritual ,I spoke to each deity again in turn, mentioning something personal. After each, I bid them goodbye and snuffed their candle. To Hel I mentioned again how I felt so beguiled by her beauty and wanted to know her better. To Odinn I apologized for my lack of diligence in my study. To Thorr, I mentioned and thanked him for the safety and strength I draw from him, from knowledge of him, from contact with him, whenever I feel fearful or weak.

Increasingly with rituals, I find I can clean everything up and put everything away, but they do not feel properly finished, I do not reach that point of coming back to mundanity, of breaking that closer contact with the gods, if I do not do something like clap my hands together and announce "thus the rite is over".

It was a good ritual. I came out of it feeling like it was winter, and I feel like I processed or absorbed a range of symbols or aspects of winter during the ritual. I feel, too, that I made a proper connection with each deity; though it wasn't profound, it was pleasant and comfortable, and I felt it important.

Tonight, after lighting a candle and incense, I went looking through my tealights for Loki's old candle. I've been reading through old thread posts, very old ones, and one in particular made me want to contact him.

In the search, though, I turned up Kali's old tealight and was overcome with a desire to contact her.

I prayed formally, letting her know I still cared deeply for her and missed our contact. It was pleasant to pray formally to her, as she has some lovely imagery that is always easy to form prayer with: "she who leaves footprints of blood, she who wears the garland of heads" and so on. I told her that the footsteps of her dance were still in my soul and that I loved her well, missed her much, and though the culture I felt akin to was so different from her own, I still felt connected to her.

It was very nice. I may spend more time trying to get to know her again from a different direction.

I hailed also She Who is Clothed in Moss and He of the Engorged Penis.
(You heard me right.)

I was meant to update this at least once a week and preferably daily. I have been doing a woeful job.

I also haven't been doing as much reading or meditation as I should be, but I am - I hope - getting back on track.

Tonight I meditated to a few tracks from a Deep Forest CD. I've taken to lighting an old candle of mine and a stick of incense before I meditate; not for any sort of symbolic reason, just because it helps me get into "this is meditation time" mindspace. I have a lot of rose and strawberry so those are the ones I've been using of late.

Deep Forest makes me think of..... well, deep forest. Rainforest, actually - either Africa or South America, deep greens, water dripping from leaves, bright birds, bronze skin in the firelight. I tend to meditate about ten minutes and I went through three tracks in that time: Sweet Lullaby, the First Twilight, and the Second Twilight. Each is very different, the first having a beat that was easy to breathe to, the second being low and slow and peaceful, calming, and the third being a bit more spiritually uplifting although still quite slow and... curving. Like a slow river.

Forest Hymn came on at the end of my ten minutes of meditation. It's rather more fast-paced in tempo; while the First Twilight feels like it should have a beat every three seconds or something, this one has two to a second or similar. Not something I could easily meditate to, but perfect to dance to, so I turned off my lamp and danced in the candle-light. I shed my clothes early in the song... rather than dancing in any sort of way that might look good, or even sane, I just moved the way my body wanted to move. As a result I ended up twisting my body this way and that, lifting my feet at odd moments, hunching over, curving and twisting and jolting. It was wonderful.

About a minute in I suddenly became incredibly nostalgic for skin a different colour from my own, for firelight against the trees and dancing with abandon. Another time and place.

I still believe that there is a God and a Goddess who predate all things, who are in the curve of each dancing body and the curve of each shadow cast by firelight. Deep Forest makes me think of Her with bronze skin and curves, swaying out of the water with long black hair and huge eyes.... and Him with dark eyes that burn, clad in animal skins, smelling of smoke, dwelling in the depths of the green.

So in my prayer tonight, I prayed to Them. Increasingly of late I'm unsure who I'm contactting with them. Occasionally They will appear as something unfamiliar, as something I know at least to some degree is Them, but in a different guise, or a side of Them I seldom see. I suspect I am slowly getting to know Them on a deeper level, but in doing so, sometimes I worry that I don't know Them at all. And then to know Them as I did before, feeling something very familiar.... that feels.... disappointing. It leaves a part of me worrying "is it really Them, then, that I'm feeling when I feel something a bit different?" and the other part thinking "I am going backwards, not forwards, if I feelThem as I used to feel Them". It is confusing. I think I'm probably on the right track to discovering Them, but I'm not 100% certain. They're there, somewhere, hiding in the shadows and the primordial wild places of this world. They are not gods of civilisation. We had different gods by the time we'd discovered villages... They are from before.

I suppose.... maybe I'm slowly stripping off the veneer of civilisation that I - or hundreds of Pagans - have laid on top of Them. But doing so is difficult, like trying to hold onto sand that's slipping through your fingers. Decades of homogenized "Mother Goddess" crap. I mean, sure.... a Mother Goddess.... but not like that. Not blonde and smiling and bedecked in pink, but naked and dirty and half-obscured by shadow. I don't know how the God could be homogenized... which is why I think most people don't bother. They just ignore Him, they say "Goddess Bless!" quite cheerfully, but the God? He's masculine. There's no wallpapering over that erection, the smoke and blood of survival, the naked dark flesh and wild untamed testosterone of Him. So He's ignored, or never thought of enough to be understood.

I know these gods are there. For years I've dealt with projections.... Them, but the part of them standing in sunlight, in the middle of a courtyard, understanding that They had a wild side, but never seeing it. And thinking about it, sure, from time to time.... but only on a shallow, surface level. Never really understanding it. Now I've caught sight of Them, and each step I take towards Them they step away, further into the shadows, and I stumble after Them, trying to catch Them. And from time to time They pause and step into the sunlgiht again to be with me, and increasingly I find that less satisfying.

They are, indeed, both life and death - They are the passion and desperation and joy of living on the razor's edge, a hunt away from eating or starving, a step away from being something else's dinner. THAT is why He is both Hunter and Hunted. Not just because He is the wolf as well as the deer, but because humans were prey as well as predator.

Now some of the Mysteries I've come to understand begin to make more sense, like puzzle pieces slotting together, and I wonder if another Mystery is slowly seeping into my soul.