What a night for a Yuletide blot!!

I've been, I admit, delaying. I should have celebrated Yule a week ago today, on the 21st, but I was so tired I delayed it to the next night... then decided doing a rite after work wasn't going to work, at least not one so important as this. Tired as hell, I was.

So I delayed until tonight, Sunday the 28th. And not long before I had decided to start my blot, what did I hear but thunder?

The storm must be very close, or very big. It's still going, and sometimes there is a small flash and a distant, low rumble. Other times the flash is larger and the BOOM sounds like violence, bombs and people hammering away at the ground underneath me. You can see why people link it to Thorr.

I started my preparations to the sound of Ensiferum's Ferram Aeternam, or words to that effect. A rather nice instrumental that puts one in mind of riding off on Adventure. It put me in the mood as I brushed my hair and poured the mead. It's my first blot with mead and I was rather looking forward to pouring some for Odinn. (I think he rather liked it, and it was especially nice to give him something made from local ingredients - Manuka honey, in this case.)

The song ended just as I was ready for my ritual. I did the last preparations - finding Odinn's candle, turning the light off, etc - and seated myself. I centred myself, then took my Hammer and asked Thor and Mjolnir's might to hale, hallow, and protect myself and my "hearth". I placed my Hammer behind the candle, and lit it, reciting some of Valfather's kennings and asking for his presence. I honoured him first, and with the most mead, but I honoured all the gods. This is a time for family and frith, good food and good tales, and I said as much, hailing my "family" of the gods.

Meanwhile the thunder storm continued. I was hailing Thorr when there was a flash of lightning lit the sky and thunder so loud that it shook the floor under me and shook my nerves as well. I amended my hailing to add a request for his protection during this cold time of year at that!

After hailing each of the gods, drinking some mead (at just the right heat, it was lovely) and pouring libations, I spoke slightly more informally with them, and thanked Thorr for his "gift" of the storm on this, the night I had planned my Yule ritual. Just I did so there was a small flash of lightning and a light rumble, which made me smile.

It was very pleasant to share mead with them. I only wish I had had more, and that I had lingered a little longer over the ritual. Truth me told, the thunder kept interrupting me mid-speech and I wasn't sure what to do with myself, quite. But it was very pleasant. In some ways, the connection I felt could have been stronger. I think I gave up the element of strong, one-on-one connection that is possible in ritual when I decided to honour many gods. In future, I may have one Midwinter blot to Odinn alone and another for the many deities of the North.

But Yuletide isn't over yet. I may share another glass of mead with Valfather before this season's done.

What is it they say? Heilsa?
S.

There are no rituals out there for New Moon esbats. They're all "New Moon Ritual for Moar Monies" and similar wank. Bah.

I have no idea what to do in moon rituals. Not a fucking clue. I feel I should do something, but what that thing is, I do not know.

Anyhow. Prayed. As ya do. Meditated a short time.

It occurs: when the moon is full, you see the world around you better.
But when the moon is dark, you see the sky and the stars better.
I'm sure there's some sort of metaphor in there somewhere.

The Fehu Rune-poems are linked mostly to wealth and what it means. In some ways this supports my current tentative associations, but in others, it seems rather.... out of place.

Norwegian poem:
Wealth causes trouble among relatives
The wolf is raised in the forest.

The Norse were big on their odd riddles. In this case, is the line about the wolf directly related to the first, or is it not? If it isn't, it could be an illustration of growth, of great power nurtured so that it can fulfill its potential. The wolf is raised in the forest. If it's directly related to the first line, I find it more confusing.

"Wealth causes trouble among relatives" is more straightforward. When someone dies, that wealth has to be divided up. There will always be envy and people demanding this and that; in this wise it seems better to spend it on things that are needed or useful than to keep it hiding away, where it is of no use, helps no one, and inspires greed.

Gundarsson links the second line to Sigurd the Volsung, and how he (who had shape-changed into a wolf) grew into his own out alone in the forest. Possibly potential, possibly growth and power once again.


Icelandic poem:
Wealth is trouble among relatives
and fire of the sea
and path of the serpent

The idea of wealth being trouble again. This poem uses "and" which confuses the issue more, but given the way it was written in the original language, we may be able to substitute "Fehu". "Fehu is fire of the sea" and "Fehu is path of the serpent".

I find myself at a loss with these last two lines. It's a giant gap in my knowledge, demonstrating I don't know enough about the Norse or Icelandic culture to know what "path of the serpent" would mean to them, to say nothing of "fire of the sea". Vi tells me "fire" can be a kenning for gold, so "fire of the sea" could be an extended kenning for it, I suppose - or wealth out of reach, locked away, or lost. If it still refers to wealth or gold, "path of the serpent" could refer to dragons and their tendency to hoard. Once you have a hoard, you, like a dragon, tend to guard it fiercely. And on its own it is of no use - like gold at the bottom of the sea. You have to actually use it.


Anglo-Saxon poem:
Wealth be by all very much welcomed;
Each man shall deal it out freely,
If he will from the Lord get approval.

This poem indicates that wealth is a good thing, and welcomed - welcomed by all, specifically. Whether this indicates that everyone would like to be rich, or whether the whole community welcomes the wealth brought to one person... I might suspect the latter in fact. Sharing it around is a good thing, prevents greed, and sharing the wealth makes one's own life more rich, as traders and sellers will be able to find or make better items for you to purchase, or to sell to others - spending enriches the entire community.

The Lord in this example could possibly mean Freyr, as his name means "Lord", but that's not what it says in the rune-poem itself (in Old English I mean) so it's unclear. If it does mean Freyr it makes a bit more sense to me, as with Freyr's blessing you could have good harvest, wealth, and without it, your harvest could be rather miserable.



The rune-poems seem mostly to focus on wealth, and the movement of wealth, and the importance thereof. I think the stress of the importance of that movement does help me understand the rune a bit more - it's not just potential. It's not just growth. It's the application of potential that's the important aspect here. Freyr does not sit back and do nothing; he is a vital god, a god not just of growth but of growing, not just of fertility but of making the most of that fertility.

Winternights is the last Heathen holiday on my calendar I hadn't celebrated, and the one I was most unsure about. The ancient Heathens didn't really seem to have a set holiday around Samhain-time, and those that celebrate Winternights seem more inclined to do so when the weather turns chilly.

I was lucky today, in that, on the day after traditional Samhain, when I was originally planning to have my Winternights, the weather turned very cold. It was surprisingly chilly today, with cold wind biting at my cheeks and fingertips for the first time since last winter.

I felt unmotivated this evening, for reasons unknown, but pulled myself together and held ritual anyway. I'm glad I did for I really enjoyed it, simple though it was.

I made up some mulled wine with honey, in a normal drinking glass as I couldn't find a wine glass, and brought with me another larger glass into which to pour libations. I took a low box and covered it with a towel, as it's hard not to spill wine when pouring it from one glass to another. Onto the towel too went three candles, one for each god I honoured tonight. I lit the candles, calling each god in turn.

The first was Hel. I know the Ravenbok lot honour Freyja and the Disir on this day, but I get the impression that most Heathens and Kindreds honour who they feel they should honour, and this time of year will always be wed to goddesses like Hel. I like Hel, though I find her difficult to get to know, because she is so different and peculiar in her own way. But it was nice to honour her and I feel like it went quite well.

The second was Odinn, his candle to the right of Hel's. The third was Thorr, his to the left.

With all three candles lit, I lifted my glass and bade it be blessed in the names of the gods, and took a sip. Warm and sweet, fragrant, and good.

I drank first to Hel. Tonight, the threshold of winter, is important as the beginning of a season in which things die, or have the appearance of death. I associate it with her on that level, and this time in particular I associate with the dead. When I lifted my glass to Hel, I spoke of these things, as well as her beauty that so charms me and that I should like to know her better. I felt interest from her, in an odd sort of way, and felt the offering was accepted.

I drank second to Odinn. The winter is, truly, his time. He rides in the Wild Hunt, he wanders through the ice, his wolves sound on the cold winter air. He is Hoar-Beard, likened to the hoar-frost. When the world is quiet and asleep, that is the time for contemplation, for meditation. Odinn, blood on snow. The scent of winter on the air makes me think of him; for me, he will ever be associated with winter. Despite my lack of motivation in my active studies, Odinn did not appear to hold me any ill-will and I felt he accepted the offering.

I drank third to Thorr. When the fiercest weather rages outside, Thorr shall guard our hearths. When the most fearsome winter spirits lash at us - wind, rain, snow, sleet - it is Thorr who holds them at bay. Strange, though - I did not ask Thorr to guard our hearth, so much as thank him for doing so generally. He seemed to be happy to accept the offering I gave him.

At the end of the ritual I held up my glass, containing the last mouthful, and said that tonight I had celebrated Winternights, and that now it was winter - in more poetic language, of course. But by the time I had finished saying it, it really did Officially down to the bones. feel officially like winter. And I don't even celebrate Samhain until the 5th...

Wrapping up the ritual ,I spoke to each deity again in turn, mentioning something personal. After each, I bid them goodbye and snuffed their candle. To Hel I mentioned again how I felt so beguiled by her beauty and wanted to know her better. To Odinn I apologized for my lack of diligence in my study. To Thorr, I mentioned and thanked him for the safety and strength I draw from him, from knowledge of him, from contact with him, whenever I feel fearful or weak.

Increasingly with rituals, I find I can clean everything up and put everything away, but they do not feel properly finished, I do not reach that point of coming back to mundanity, of breaking that closer contact with the gods, if I do not do something like clap my hands together and announce "thus the rite is over".

It was a good ritual. I came out of it feeling like it was winter, and I feel like I processed or absorbed a range of symbols or aspects of winter during the ritual. I feel, too, that I made a proper connection with each deity; though it wasn't profound, it was pleasant and comfortable, and I felt it important.

Tonight, after lighting a candle and incense, I went looking through my tealights for Loki's old candle. I've been reading through old thread posts, very old ones, and one in particular made me want to contact him.

In the search, though, I turned up Kali's old tealight and was overcome with a desire to contact her.

I prayed formally, letting her know I still cared deeply for her and missed our contact. It was pleasant to pray formally to her, as she has some lovely imagery that is always easy to form prayer with: "she who leaves footprints of blood, she who wears the garland of heads" and so on. I told her that the footsteps of her dance were still in my soul and that I loved her well, missed her much, and though the culture I felt akin to was so different from her own, I still felt connected to her.

It was very nice. I may spend more time trying to get to know her again from a different direction.

I hailed also She Who is Clothed in Moss and He of the Engorged Penis.
(You heard me right.)

I was meant to update this at least once a week and preferably daily. I have been doing a woeful job.

I also haven't been doing as much reading or meditation as I should be, but I am - I hope - getting back on track.

Tonight I meditated to a few tracks from a Deep Forest CD. I've taken to lighting an old candle of mine and a stick of incense before I meditate; not for any sort of symbolic reason, just because it helps me get into "this is meditation time" mindspace. I have a lot of rose and strawberry so those are the ones I've been using of late.

Deep Forest makes me think of..... well, deep forest. Rainforest, actually - either Africa or South America, deep greens, water dripping from leaves, bright birds, bronze skin in the firelight. I tend to meditate about ten minutes and I went through three tracks in that time: Sweet Lullaby, the First Twilight, and the Second Twilight. Each is very different, the first having a beat that was easy to breathe to, the second being low and slow and peaceful, calming, and the third being a bit more spiritually uplifting although still quite slow and... curving. Like a slow river.

Forest Hymn came on at the end of my ten minutes of meditation. It's rather more fast-paced in tempo; while the First Twilight feels like it should have a beat every three seconds or something, this one has two to a second or similar. Not something I could easily meditate to, but perfect to dance to, so I turned off my lamp and danced in the candle-light. I shed my clothes early in the song... rather than dancing in any sort of way that might look good, or even sane, I just moved the way my body wanted to move. As a result I ended up twisting my body this way and that, lifting my feet at odd moments, hunching over, curving and twisting and jolting. It was wonderful.

About a minute in I suddenly became incredibly nostalgic for skin a different colour from my own, for firelight against the trees and dancing with abandon. Another time and place.

I still believe that there is a God and a Goddess who predate all things, who are in the curve of each dancing body and the curve of each shadow cast by firelight. Deep Forest makes me think of Her with bronze skin and curves, swaying out of the water with long black hair and huge eyes.... and Him with dark eyes that burn, clad in animal skins, smelling of smoke, dwelling in the depths of the green.

So in my prayer tonight, I prayed to Them. Increasingly of late I'm unsure who I'm contactting with them. Occasionally They will appear as something unfamiliar, as something I know at least to some degree is Them, but in a different guise, or a side of Them I seldom see. I suspect I am slowly getting to know Them on a deeper level, but in doing so, sometimes I worry that I don't know Them at all. And then to know Them as I did before, feeling something very familiar.... that feels.... disappointing. It leaves a part of me worrying "is it really Them, then, that I'm feeling when I feel something a bit different?" and the other part thinking "I am going backwards, not forwards, if I feelThem as I used to feel Them". It is confusing. I think I'm probably on the right track to discovering Them, but I'm not 100% certain. They're there, somewhere, hiding in the shadows and the primordial wild places of this world. They are not gods of civilisation. We had different gods by the time we'd discovered villages... They are from before.

I suppose.... maybe I'm slowly stripping off the veneer of civilisation that I - or hundreds of Pagans - have laid on top of Them. But doing so is difficult, like trying to hold onto sand that's slipping through your fingers. Decades of homogenized "Mother Goddess" crap. I mean, sure.... a Mother Goddess.... but not like that. Not blonde and smiling and bedecked in pink, but naked and dirty and half-obscured by shadow. I don't know how the God could be homogenized... which is why I think most people don't bother. They just ignore Him, they say "Goddess Bless!" quite cheerfully, but the God? He's masculine. There's no wallpapering over that erection, the smoke and blood of survival, the naked dark flesh and wild untamed testosterone of Him. So He's ignored, or never thought of enough to be understood.

I know these gods are there. For years I've dealt with projections.... Them, but the part of them standing in sunlight, in the middle of a courtyard, understanding that They had a wild side, but never seeing it. And thinking about it, sure, from time to time.... but only on a shallow, surface level. Never really understanding it. Now I've caught sight of Them, and each step I take towards Them they step away, further into the shadows, and I stumble after Them, trying to catch Them. And from time to time They pause and step into the sunlgiht again to be with me, and increasingly I find that less satisfying.

They are, indeed, both life and death - They are the passion and desperation and joy of living on the razor's edge, a hunt away from eating or starving, a step away from being something else's dinner. THAT is why He is both Hunter and Hunted. Not just because He is the wolf as well as the deer, but because humans were prey as well as predator.

Now some of the Mysteries I've come to understand begin to make more sense, like puzzle pieces slotting together, and I wonder if another Mystery is slowly seeping into my soul.

Today I had reason to want some strong shields. Thinking defensively I decided to draw Thurisaz on my forehead.

NO. RETARDED.

I'm not sure what I expected to happen; perhaps for a rush of defensive energy. There was energy, alright, but it was nothing I could use. It would have been foolhardy of me to expect I could control it but I expected to be able to guide it. Whether this can be done by a proper Rune Master I do not know, but I suspect it can.

I, however, am not a Rune Master. I sort of understand Thurisaz from an academic level but today I realised how important it is to take the Rune into oneself and understand its energy in a very personal, deep and thorough way.

Thurisaz was completely beyond my control. It didn't really do anything I didn't want it to do, but my inability to direct it was frightening, and I realised quickly that were I to attempt to impress my will upon it, it could absolutely destroy me. Not out of malice, but in the same way one would be destroyed by standing on a beach and shouting at a tsunami to go the other way. It was quite frightening.

It took about half an hour for me to work out how to work with and around the Rune, rather than try to push it in front of me or go through it. That's all metaphor of course, but that's the best I can describe it.

When I first realised I didn't know what I was doing (I am such a fool) I asked Thorr for his help; I did not want the Rune to block out the attentions of those who meant me no harm, nor did I want it to block my own actions. I am unsure whether Thorr leant his aid; I suspect my ability now to work around it is partly due to him and partly my own understanding that pushing against it is idiocy. Rather, one should act as if it isn't there. Sort of. Chinese finger trap, or quicksand, I suppose.

 I think it is helping to strengthen my shields, although I need to work on them more often and stop relying on outside things to defend me.

I am hoping the Rune will fade in time, that Odinn won't decide I need punishing for my idiocy (I suspect he thinks the lesson is learned. I hope anyway.) and that the pressure I feel on my temple is not a brain aneyurism or anything.

I also know that I really need to work more on the Runes if I ever hope to understand them.

Let this be a lesson to you all: Thurisaz is powerful. Don't fuck with it.

Tonight I honoured the Old Man, but before my ritual for Winterfinding, I blessed my new Hammer and dedicated it to the gods.

My prayer was to Thor, and said, more or less:
"Oh great Thor, I dedicate this Hammer in your name, to the worship of the Gods of the North. May it serve as sacred on my altar, keep safe my hearth, and bless my rites."

I then performed my first Hammer Rite with it, and to be honest, I felt that the dong of the Hammer on the ground detracted and distracted me from feeling the great DONG in the soul that sometimes accompanies a Hammer Rite.

I honoured Odinn. Winterfinding on m calendar is the first cold day after Equinox and today certainly had a trace of winter in the air. I wore both skivvy and poncho, and gloves for much of the day. I honoured Odinn as a Dark God of the Winter half of the year, and hailed him with Baileys, which he seemed to enjoy. I thanked him for his gifts of wisdom, of language and poetry, and asked him to help us move slowly and carefully into winter. I also asked him to guide my steps in other worlds if I became lost, and to grant me the wisdom to best ward my hearth against the trials of winter.

I am very fond of Odinn and feel we share a certain something, though I am not one of his particularly. But he is a shamanic god, a lover of words, a lover of poetry, a wanderer, and a lover of wisdom. I expressed a desire to work with him much, to form a bond, for he has much to teach.

I finished the ritual with a recitation of some of his kennings, and closed with a hammer sign and a "thus the rite is ended".

Not a bad ritual but I had hoped for more. As it was I am somehow very tired, so I suppose I should have done it earlier, but then I wouldn't have been in the right frame of mind, so....

So, tonight I am celebrating Winterfinding. And I am keenly aware how pissed off Odinn must be with me. I haven't been studying the Runes as I should be.

So here I am, a gasp before dying. Or something. But in truth, this is partly me studying a little to make amends before ritual, and partly me trying to make that connection before ritual. And for that reason, rather than studying Uruz as I should be, I am going to study Ansuz.

Ansuz. God, mouth.

Paxson's couplet reads:

ANSUZ, OS, is Odin's wisdom
Communicating ecstacy.

It's marvelous how she manages to fit so much into two lines.

Odinn: This is Odinn's Rune. Chieftan of the As. I feel such a connection with Odinn, yet so different from my connection with Loki. Odinn is a god who shares my loves: poetry, wisdom, knowledge. Speed of mind. Clarity of mind. Richness and depth of knowledge. A desire to wander.... and, perhaps, not simply to wander across the world but between the worlds. He is, after all, a shamanic god. I always think of grey and blue when I think of Odinn. Grey skies. Blue skies.
.... holy shit. I never thought of that one before.
The sky. Element of air, and all associated with it. Breath. Voice. Communication. Song. Galdr. Intelligence.

Wisdom: In many ways I think of this Rune more linked to intelligence and knowledge than to wisdom. We gain knowledge through communication, but we only gain wisdom through really understanding and experiencing something. But wisdom is something that we associate with Odinn maybe more than anything else. While the concept of intelligence is fast and bright, wisdom is deep, slow, rich. Like compost or winter earth. Ansuz seems to be between the two: wisdom applied, wisdom shared.

Communication: Os, mouth. The rune-poems are linked to communication as well as Odinn. Words flow easily, in song (galdr again?), in speech, bringing ideas and thoughts and knowledge from one person to another. This is how we exchange knowledge, but also how we share who we are with those we love. Again like the wind, breath... I imagine words on the wind, blowing from one place to another, from someone's lips to someone's ear, forever muttering and chattering with a thousand voices. Communication is not just linked to knowledge; it can bring frith, when we set down our weapons in favour of diplomacy and discourse. It can bring understanding and that fosters frith. Turn it around, and it can cause great pain; the pen is ightier than the sword. Although whether the Norse would agree with that I don't know.

Ecstacy: In itself ecstacy is just the trance state, the joy or the meditation involved in shamanic practices. But in many cases, and here in particular, it implies wisdom. When journeying, we go to gain wisdom - be it about ourselves, about the world, about another, about the tribe. He who walks between the worlds, or at least who has done it for some time, is a wise man indeed. And Odinn is a god of ecstacy. I have no doubt that that is what he experienced hanging from the World Tree. Too, it is linked to communication; we walk the hedge to speak to gods, the dead, spirits.

That's all for now.

I finally got around to properly cracking "Northern Tradition for the Solitary Practitioner" today. It's quite interesting so far. While a lot of Heathenry books are about what you do practically and what Heathenry is, this one's rather more introspective. So it's not a beginner's book by any stretch.

So far there's a lot of musing about defining oneself, differences between practices, and concepts of UPG. I like the focus on belief and spirituality, because it's really different from most of what's out there, which tends towards being rather practical or at least with a good basis in Lore. And that's good, particularly for beginners books, because that's about what Heathenry is. This one is different, so it's really refreshing. You get the idea a few hardline Heathens will disagree with it on a big level, but I think it was inevitable - and necessary. It reminds one that Heathenry is a living religion, and not something you find just in books.

I swear there are people who treat the Lore like one can never step outside it. Not all things were recorded, and our ancestors, as someone in this book mentions, had an oral tradition. Things were rather different then and individual spirituality would not have been something to stifle. And it's not something to stifle now.

So far this book is intriguing. Again, not for the beginner. There's a lot of focus on personal beliefs, personal spirituality, and personal gnosis. It's given me things to muse over, which isn't what I really expected of texts I would be reading as part of Dedicancy, but is very welcome. It's a musey sort of book. The authors do a lot of musing. I like it so far, anyway.

Lokablot was a few days ago, on April 1st. I wrote up a little something in my journal, but hadn't mentioned it here yet.

I'd gone to the liquor store that week and asked Loki to pick what he wanted, as I had no real idea of what to get him. He chose Cointreau, which just goes to show he has wonderful taste in alcohol.

I hadn't had Cointreau in years, but the taste was perfect. It was like drinking Loki. (....that should sound gross. Is it worrying that it doesn't?) Mmm, Cointreau. Orange and sweet, with a slight tang of citrusy spice. And a kick like a horse. I thought of something to mix it with - hot chocolate is rather lovely, you end up with hot jaffa goodness - but in the end I pulled out two shot glasses and decided to have it straight. (There was hinting. What could I do?) And dear gods. It was good, but dear gods. 40% is quite strong for a shot.

I started the rite by lighting a candle. The matches are kinda old... sometimes they do't light. The first match I struck certainly lit - but the top flew off and burned my hand. I was less than impressed. ;) But then I lit Loki's nice mandarin-and-spices scented candle and poured the drink.

It was nice. Informal, but then I hadn't had anything planned out formally. I read the beads to invoke him, you know, the usual thing: listing kennings on the normal beads and something timely on the dividers, in this case something to do with Lokablot/April Fools day. I can't remember what it was off-hand, but it's in my paper journal. But once we'd had a drink we settled in and had a bit of a chat. The cat wandered in at one point and spent the ritual leaning up against my side, which was very pleasant as I love him well, but also kind of distracting. I felt like my attention was divided between cat and god which wasn't really what I'd wanted.

We ended up having another shot, and I was pouring my libations onto the ground out my window, which was fine, but I'd decided to take a drink at the same time as doing that, which is rather more awkward than it sounds, given the position of my window.

There were some moving moments (in retrospect, I should have remembered that any mentionnof Narvi and Vali will make a situation somber for a few moments at least) and some that felt just right, so overall it was most satisfactory. Most pleasant.

Some personal... I was going to say revelation, but I think realisation is closer to the word, during my meditation tonight. I experienced the-Goddess-of-Moonlit-Greenery and the-God-of-Burned-Forests in an images-not-words, sensory sort of way that I haven't done in a while. It impacted me in a subtle way, and yet I cannot help but refer to Them in references to those images, as the mere words "Lord" and "Lady" feel clumsy and wrong - placeholders that are no longer fulfilling their purpose.

I also had a realisation, or call it a rememberance, of my personal path. It now feels more correct than ever to refer to myself as "witch". On a personal level, the word obtains new nuances and shades of meaning (and "shade" is the right word in so many ways) and yet, to others, to the world at large, it means so little and applies so widely.

Other terms float in my mind. "Border witch", as always, more appealing than the accepted term "Hedgewitch". Is it the sound? The Granny Weatherwax reference? Essentially they mean the same thing but perhaps there are elements of each term that suggest something specific. "Shadow path" also comes to mind and means a great deal, but "shadow witch" sounds wrong. "Twilight path" less so, but cannot be excluded - and hark, is that not the name of a book I have recently found?

Things to muse on. Words describe paths rather than defining them; in reality the words are most useful when talking to others, although one cannot deny to oneself that having particular words there helps a huge amount when finding one's feet, when feeling out the edges of one's path. Not taking a term and sketching out the limits on that basis; rather, sensing those edges, and hitting on terms that best colour that path in word form, best bring it to light. In a sense.

Hmm. Dark green and shadows...

A very successful, if short, Equinox ritual. I found myself running low on time and raced to be sitting and lighting incense by the time the clock ticked over at the minute of the Equinox. I spoke mentally rather than aloud but it was a good ritual. I stated the reason for the celebration, asked the God and Goddess to join my ritual, and spoke of the importance of the day to each of Them individually. The Goddess in a gown of orange and gold, the God's face as the Green Man changing with the seasons and His sacrifice, falling with the harvest in the fields. I thanked Him for his sacrifice. I could almost feel the equinox "tipping over" as such.... the days have been getting shorter since Solstice but I would swear I could feel another tipping point, where balance shifted from long days/short nights to short days/long nights. I stated regret that the balance was shifting; I like the sensation. There's much to be done this winter. (Now the days are getting shorter I feel the sudden need to batten down the hatches, though it's warm weather still.) I spoke of the coming winter, of the harvest, and of the balance of the Equinox.

I have trouble summarising this sort of thing. I always forget what I spoke of and what I didn't.

Then I asked... well, not asked so much as stated a wish I had. It's not really the sort of time of year to be asking for things or, rather, expressing hope and desires for the future, but nevertheless I felt the need and said my piece. I'd like to move to the UK. England particularly. Scotland's too far north, I'm not sure I'm at all comfortable with NI and I can't pronounce any of the place names in Wales. (Ten bucks says you can't either.) So England... There's actually a lot I'd like to work on and I can't do it here. I'd like to do it there and it chafes at me. So I expressed a desire.

It was odd, though. I swear I heard something brushing up against my door and at one point I thought I saw the shadow of something moving behind me. For all I know it was a moth, projected larger than it is by my lamp. Weird though.

Sometimes I imagine myself walking my path. Sometimes I'm forging a new path through long grass, sometimes I'm stumbling through a dark forest and tripping on tree roots. (Actually often I'm doing that, because when I look at the path, usually I'm having a bad time of it and wondering where I'm going and what I'm doing.) Today when I look at that path, I can't see far ahead, but at my feet there is a defined path with gravel or stones. What this means I do not know.

Most of my holiday celebrations take part in two parts: general NeoPagan witchcraft celebration and Nordic celebration. Typically the former comes [i]after[/i] the latter as I'll celebrate Norse holidays on traditional dates and craft ones on astronomical dates. This one is different as there's no set trad date for Winterfinding. My plan is to honour Odinn and Freyr on the first cold day after today. Odinn mostly, Freyr in part, because of the harvest. I'm looking forward to it.

I haven't been updating much. It's always the way with daily things; you say you're going to keep detailed notes, and then you don't. But keeping a journal is a part of dedicancy so I suppose I ought to shape up.

Which reminds me, I need to buy a new real-life journal. My last one's nearly used up.

I've been meditating when I remember and I have the time, but haven't spent the time and energy on prayer and meditation etc that I wanted to up to this point. I've been extraordinarily unmotivated and I'm unsure why, but I'm feeling that urge for something new and I intend to start having more of a personal schedule for this sort of thing, to set aside the time each day and really change the shape of my mind during that time. It probably has to do with the changing seasons; autumn's in the air and the heat has broken at long last - touch wood - so perhaps that's it. I'm coming out of my summer hibernation or something.

Autumnal Equinox is only days away, and I've resolved to celebrate Winterfinding on the first cold day after that. Blotting to Freyr would be appropriate but I can't stop thinking of Odinn and I suspect I'll end up blotting to him, either as well or instead.

And I can't forget, Lokablot is coming up soon as well.

My meditation today went... eh, not great. But I felt wonderful afterwards so that's okay... whether that was a result of the prayers I said afterwards or the meditation or both I don't know. I made some contact with Njordh and expressed my desire to get to know him, and I prayed to the Lord and Lady as is my wont.

So, because of me being totally forgetful and a major procrastinator, and wanting to have an entire week for each Rune... today I'm starting to look at Fehu. I could have picked up from where I left off last time I was studying the Runes but I could do with the refresher anyway and I want to do it properly.

So, Fehu.

I have a set of terracotta or whatever runestones that I picked up from a magic supply store when I was about 15 or something. They're not very well made, but they're better than nothing, and they're good enough to work with. A training set. Actually I rather like that idea... when I think myself moderately proficient, I can buy myself a nice new set as a reward.

I like Paxson's little couplets that help with the understanding of these Runes. For Fehu, she writes:

FEHU is herds and fertile fields
Freely, Freyr finds wealth for friends.

It incorporates the major elements of Fehu that we think of when trying to understand this Mystery.

Herds: Fehu directly means "cattle", and from that, movable wealth. Cows meant a future, and they were also potential: potential milk, meat, food for hearth and home. You could trade one for something else, and they're movable because, unlike some other possessions, they have their own feet. If you wanted to sell them to someone a couple of villages away, you could do that without the same trouble you might have in selling them a big piece of furniture.

Fertility: Anything linked to Freyr will involve fertility in some measure. In this case particularly, it's the same sort of fertility you get from wealth: potential. Fertility [i]in itself[/i] is nothing but potential. Potential harvest, potential children. It shares this potentiality with money, as money in itself is nothing. Fertility is also a symbol of power, particularly in men. Fertility also results in reproduction, the growth of resources. Well-managed fields will grow and bring wealth as well as feed one's family.

Freyr: A god connected with fertility first and foremost in our minds, but also a deity connected with the earth and with love as well as sex. I think this is something that shouldn't be forgotten or overlooked.

Wealth: This appears to be the main meaning of this Rune. Like fertility, it is also a symbol of power. There is more than one kind of wealth, but in this case it does seem to be married in particular to the material, be it Like fertility, wealth on its own is nothing more than potential. Well-managed wealth will also grow, like one's fields.

For Friends: Potential is wonderful, but that's all it is. For it to actually BE something it must be used. Money mus be spent. Cattle must be exchanged, or milked, or slaughtered (or instead of being wealth they become a drain on your resources). Potential that doesn't do anything is useless, and stagnates. The Norse being big on hospitality, it makes sense to share your prosperity with those dear to you. And, worse than stagnation, money can turn people competitive. Wars are fought for wealth and power, and that is what this Rune represents. To avoid this, wealth and power should be shared, spent, properly managed and understood.


Overall I feel this Rune could be properly described as potential, wealth, power, fertility, growth. But it's hard to describe Runes in words; they must be understood as themselves and as the whole of themselves. One can't rush understanding a Mystery. Looking at it from the standpoint of a story or a lesson, it's an energy that wants to replicate, wants to grow, wants to bring more - more wealth, more life (fertility again - people or animals or plants), more energy. And in this way, it has a lot of power, but although its power is in some ways similar to Uruz, not the same thing. Uruz is more strength, while Fehu is growth.

Tomorrow I'll take a closer look at the Rune-poems related to Fehu. I feel like it was difficult to wake my brain up today and while I reasoned out the meanings alright I had trouble grabbing hold of Fehu and understanding it on that deeper level.


I feel like this Rune should be written or inscribed from bottom to top, rather than top to bottom which is my natural instinct when writing things. The vertical line drawn from bottom to top, then the lower line from the vertical up, and the upper line. Perhaps that's linked to erections, or the upward growth of plants, or a symbol of increase - the upward arrow. Or all of the above.

Not a bad meditation today. My head was full of crap, but the point was that I cleared it out. That's kinda the whole idea. And tomorrow it will be clearer still and so on. Doesn't help much that I've been so exhausted lately. *sigh*

Sweet was an angel and gave me voucher goodness so I'm looking at some things on amazon. A good looking new Galina Krasskova book, but unfortunately co-written by Kaldera and I don't think I like his style at all.

Prayed wordlessly to G+G.

Have been in a pretty bad mood the last couple of weeks. Things have cropped up - like going out with mates and my birthday - to distract me from my readings etc so I've been pretty off task as such.

This week I hope to get back into it better. I'll go into Fehu with more depth.

I meditated tonight for ten minutes and it was pretty successful. Was very relaxed afterwards and could have gone on longer, although I wasn't very focused.

My ritual tonight went fairly well. It wasn't earth-shattering, but it still went fairly well. Unfortunately I was thirsty throughout so the whole sharing wine thing didn't go as well as one might hope.

I had intended to begin with to focus mainly on Sif and Thor but I couldn't help including Freyr as well. I have Sif and Thor tealights but not one for Freyr so I started the ritual by hailing him and explaining, and then decided to include him in the bulk of the ritual properly.

I asked Freyr to bless the harvest and the farmers in their work, that all might go well and that we might have good yeild so that food prices would be lower and we would have more for export. A good harvest is essential to the running of our entire society. It may be out of sight but should not be out of mind. We may not personally be taking part in a harvest but that should not mean we don't wish the harvest to be a good one. I thanked Thor for his nitrogen-fixing lightning, and for being Friend of All Men, particularly farmers. I thanked Sif for her blessings on the harvest and her soothing hand.

I hailed each in turn, drank some red wine, and then poured into another glass. I accidentally poured far too much for Thor, though now I think on it, perhaps that was his intention. He certainly seemed pleased. After the libation I noticed Freyr was a bit removed, so I told him he was welcome in my home - that they were all welcome in my home - and I would like it if he came closer. He did, and the ritual felt warmer and more homey, as if we were all family together or something.

I went through each in turn, taking their hands and speaking with them personally. I thanked Thor for being friend to all, and kinda-sorta asked him to watch over my father, only not. I felt apart from Sif, mostly because I've spent so little time with her. There's not too much I know about her and I'll have to go over those chapters of Our Troth that Vi sent me. Anyway, I took her hands and they were very small, particularly in comparison to Thor's! I ended up saying I was sorry Loki cut off her hair, not for his actions so much as that the fact was something standing between us. She smiled and I felt less apart from her. I went on, that I couldn't apologise on his behalf, and that he usually has a reason for what he does, even if it doesn't make a great deal of sense.  She laughed and kissed my cheek and said she knew. Perhaps all is forgiven after all. Freyr didn't take my hands but instead pulled me into a hug; perhaps he has been waiting a while for that invitation.

I poured the libation out the window and ended the ritual by stating again what the day meant to me, that winter was distant on the horizon and that summer was passing, as well as it traditionally being the start of the harvest. Then I bid goodbye to each in turn, wishing them blessings upon their houses, that their families faired well, and so on. With Thor and Sif's candles snuffed in turn, I said my usual "thus the rite is ended" and clapped my hands together.

Frith curse it, tomorrow is fucking Lammas proper! Already! I thought I had a few days in leeway here. Shit. Technically it's only a few hours away but I can't stay up till 5.45. I'll have to do it either tomorrow afternoon, or tomorrow night. It might have been nice to bake bread.... oh well.

It was nice to hold blot for Sif and I would happily do it again. I know little about her but she seems lovely, and I'd like to get to know her on a more personal level.